English Humor Gallery

"Whenever I'm down in the dumps, I buy a new suit."

"Oh, so that's where you get them!"

***

When I complained of insomnia, my doctor told me to drink a glass of wine after a hot bath.
I never finished the hot bath!

***

soldier

Last Saturday I decided to drop in at the Army & Navy Surplus Store. After checking the place out, I went up to the guy at the service counter:

"You sure have a great selection, but I can't seem to find your camouflage jackets."

"Awesome, aren't they?" he replied.

  

 

***

Wasn't sure where to go for my holidays so I asked a pal of mine for advice.

"Why not go to Margate?" he suggested. "Margate's great for rheumatism."

So that's where I went ... and that's what I got!

***

man in despairexplanation 

"Do please forgive my friend's behavior.
His wife left him last week ..."

 

"Oh, I AM sorry to hear that ..."

 

"... and today she came back again!"

 

***

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into her boss's office and says, "Guess what? Our Mr. Black is back in the waiting room, asking to meet you again. This time he claims he's invisible!"

"Tell him I can't see him!"

***

businessman and beggarA wealthy businessman was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The businessman took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, would you buy some Budweiser with it instead?"

"No, of course not. I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Would you use it to gamble with instead of buying food?"

"No, I never gamble" the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Would you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," continued the businessman, "I've decided not to give you the two dollars after all. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm pretty dirty, and I probably smell bad too."

"Don't worry about that," replied the businessman. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up Budweiser, gambling and golf!"

***

Yesterday I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. Well, if I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have gone there in the first place!

***

bobby
reckless cyclistA London bobby apprehends a cycling priest for letting go of the handlebars so he could pray while on the move.

"I hate to do this, Reverend, but I'm going to have to fine you twenty-five pounds for cycling without due care and attention on a public highway."

"Oh dear golly Moses! I do assure you there was no real danger, officer. Did you not see how expertly the guiding hand of the Lord was steering me in and out of the traffic?"

"I can't honestly say I did, Reverend ... but since you happen to mention it, that'll be another ten pounds for carrying a passenger!"

***

barber"Barber, how much do you charge for a haircut?"

"25 dollars, sir."

"And how about a shave?"

"That'll cost you 10 dollars."

"OK, shave my head!"

 

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bartenderA man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. It's mid-afternoon, so apart from the bartender he has the place pretty much to himself. All of a sudden he hears a soothing voice that says, "Nice suit!" He turns round but there's no one there, and the bartender looks busy cleaning some glasses. A short while later the same soft voice says, "Nice tie!" The man looks round once more and still he doesn't see anyone. Then, when he takes out his mobile to call his boss, the mysterious voice is there yet again: "Nice phone!"

Puzzled and perplexed the man turns to the bartender to ask if he'd just said something.

"No," replied the bartender, "it wasn't me. Perhaps it was the peanuts. They're complimentary."

***

The boss is feeling increasingly frustrated with a careless new member of staff:

"Tell me, Smith, how is it possible for one single person to make so many stupid mistakes in just one single day?"

"I get up early, sir!"

***

pizza delivery manAn American businessman arrives in Japan on a business trip. He doesn't like Japanese food very much, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place to get something western style. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up at the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza and immediately starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the deliveryman, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The deliveryman bows deeply and says, "We put on pizza what customer ordered: pepper only!"

***

"Doctor, Doctor, you've got to help me...I just can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really...I spill most of it!"

***

running toward herWaiting there in the garden, she saw him running toward her.

"Jenny! My flower!"

He'd uttered those magic words at last..."Oh, Jack!"

"Jenny, my flower!"

"Oh, Jack..Jack, I love you too!"

Jack finally reached her, knelt down and shoved her out of the way. "My flower! You were standing on my prize-winning rose!"

***

"So what did you get your mother-in-law for Christmas?"

"A new chair. . . I'm still waiting for her to plug it in!"

***

"Hey, guess what? The mother-in-law's gone missing!"

"No kidding? Have you given her description to the police?"

"I'm afraid they'd never believe me!"

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grim-faced surgeonA hospital patient wakes up after a surgical procedure to see a whole bunch of grim-looking medical students staring down at him. At the other end of the bed and equally grim-faced stands the surgeon who performed the operation. He looks young and inexperienced.

"OK, tell me the worst, Doc. Am I going to pull through?" the patient wants to know.

"I have some bad news ... and I have some good news," the surgeon begins.

"Then t-tell me the bad news first," the patient responds in a state of confusion.

"Well, there appears to have been a slight error and it would seem we have amputated the wrong leg."

"Oh my God, no, no ... you haven't?!"

"Yes, I'm afraid so. But the good news is we won't have to amputate the other leg after all. Isn't that wonderful?"

***

Do two people who don't know what they're talking about know more or less than one person who doesn't know what he's talking about?

***

phone angerIt's 3 o'clock in the morning and a couple are fast asleep when suddenly the phone rings. Half dazed and thoroughly annoyed, the husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello? What? ... Well, how the devil do I know? I'm not the blasted weatherman now am I?" ... and he promptly slams the receiver down, so hard that he breaks it.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that, honey?"

The husband replies, "I don't know, just some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

***

Another couple are bickering about their finances:

"You do realize," the husband begins, "that if it weren't for my money the house wouldn't be here!"

"And if it weren't for your money," the wife responds, "then neither would I!"

***

first sandwichsecond sandwichTwo attorneys walked into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and promptly exchanged sandwiches.

***

A man on a bus is staring at the guy sitting opposite. Before long the other guy starts staring back and demands to know why he is the focus of so much attention.

"I'm very sorry," begins the first man, "but if it weren't for the moustache you'd look just like my wife!"

"But I don't have any moustache!" protests the other.

"See what I mean?" he replies.

***

romantic couple"Mike, darling, what is it about me you find so attractive?"

"Well, that's a little hard to say!"

"Is it my personality?"

"No."

"Is it my figure?"

"No."

"Is it my charisma?"

"No."

"Oh, I give in."

"That's it!"

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laughYesterday my girlfriend took me to meet her parents for the very first time. After eying me up and down, the father took me to one side:

"Tell me, young man, are your intentions toward our daughter honorable or dishonorable?"

"You mean to say I have a choice?"

"No, we just want to make sure you appreciate our daughter is well reared."

"Oh, rest assured I do! There's nothing much wrong with her front half either!"

***

Experts now say the best cure for water on the brain is a tap on the head.

***

There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

***

waiter 

"Waiter, are those eggs fresh?"

"I'm afraid I wouldn't know, sir ... I only lay the tables!"

 

"Waiter, what exactly is this I'm eating?"

"It's bean soup, sir."

"I don't want to know what it's been; I want to know what it is!"

 

"Waiter, is that your handkerchief you're using to hold my soup bowl?"

"Not to worry, sir. It needed washing anyhow."

 

"Waiter, the service in this restaurant is simply attrocious. I demand to speak to the manager!"

"I'm sorry, sir. He's out to lunch."

***

"So you say the boss promised us a nice round figure for this year's bonus?"

"Yeah. Zero!"

***

"Teacher, I really don't think I deserve a zero on this test!"

"I wholeheartedly agree, but it's the lowest score I can give."

***

priestgardenerAn Anglican priest on his way to church on Sunday morning passes one of his non-churchgoing male parishioners hard at work on his garden. Seeking to put the man's efforts into some kind of divine perspective on the Sabbath, he goes up to him and says: "Good morning, Mr. Jones! What a magnificent job you and the good Lord have been doing on this garden!"

The man looks up, smiles and says: "Well that's very kind of you, Reverend, but you should have seen the mess it was in when the good Lord had it to himself!"

 

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A mother's advice to her daughter about choosing the right man:

  1. You need a man who has a good job and is a good provider.
  2. You need a man who worships you and treats you like a princess.
  3. You need a man who can make you laugh.
  4. You need a man who can satisfy you physically.
  5. You need to make absolutely sure that these four never meet!

***

golferThere was once a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was a complete and utter obsession. One Sunday it was an absolutely perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, there was no wind, there was not a cloud in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do and finally the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him he was too sick to take the Sunday service, he loaded up the car and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Without a care in the world he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, "Look at that preacher. I think he should be punished for what he is doing." The Lord nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to the Lord and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

The Lord smiled. "Think about it. Who can he tell?"

***

bag of yenJAPANESE BANKING NEWS

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly-up and that Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you've guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, with staff there fearing they may all get a raw deal.

***

judge 

 

A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything at all to say in his defense.

"I certainly have, your honor. The sign said 'fine if you park here,' so that's precisely what I did!"

***

rich daddyA highly successful entrepreneur had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50/50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted him: "I'm afraid I hate factories and I can't stand noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then, in that case you'll just have to work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

lazy son-in-law"I hate office work too," said the young man. "I've never been able to put up with being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Now wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a money-making enterprise. Now you tell me you don't like factories and you don't want to work in an office. What am I supposed to do with you?"

"That's easy," replied the young man. "Just buy me out!"

 

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"Excuse me, are you the landlord?"

"Yes?"

"Could we have a word with you?"

"Yes?"

"It's about the roof."

"Yes?"

"We'd like one!"

***

unlikely luggage thieves 

 

A middle-aged couple caught stealing luggage at London's Heathrow Airport have reportedly told police that several other cases should be taken into account.

 

***

Why pay $2 to have a shirt cleaned when you can donate it to the Salvation Army? They'll clean it, put in on a hanger and next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents!

***

"I used to believe I was a really great lover. Then I found out all my girlfriends had asthma!"

***

dozy driverIt's just goner three in the morning. Far, far away from home a dog-tired driver decides to stop by the roadside for a couple of hours' sleep at the wheel of his car. He drops off almost the moment he shuts his eyes but is soon awoken by a man tapping on the window. "I say, you don't happen to know the time, do you?" the stranger asks.

"It's past three o'clock," the dazed driver replies. He winds up his window and soon falls back into another deep slumber. Half-an-hour later another individual knocks on his window, also demanding to know the time. The driver once again gathers his thoughts and tells him it's twenty to four.

When the same thing happens yet again, the now increasingly irate, sleep-deprived driver raises his voice at the passer-by: "It's four o'clock, for Pete's sake! Why can't you get yourself a decent watch like the rest of us?"

This time when he winds up the window, he is absolutely determined not to be disturbed by anybody anymore for any reason for the rest of the night. Hurriedly he pencils a note with the words "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!" and attaches it to the windshield. Although pretty worked up, he eventually drifts off back to sleep again.

Not long afterwards, his note is spotted by a helpful police officer who knocks on the man's window to inform him it's half past four.

***

"Now Jimmy, if you had one dollar and you asked your dad for another, how many dollars would you have altogether?"

"One dollar."

"You don't know your math."

"And you don't know my father!"

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head-on collisionA man and a woman get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says: "So you're a man and I'm a woman...that's highly significant. And just look at our cars...there's nothing left of them! But the remarkable thing is that neither of us is hurt. This must surely be a sign from the Almighty that we were destined to meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replies, "I agree with you entirely, this must indeed be a sign from the good Lord!"

"And look at this," the woman continues, "here's another miracle. My car is a complete write-off and yet this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine to celebrate our good fortune, doesn't he?" She hands drunkthe bottle to the man. Eagerly nodding his head in agreement, he opens it and takes a few large swigs before handing it back to the woman. To his surprise she simply puts the cap back on the bottle and returns it to him.

"Well, aren't you having any?" he asks disappointedly.

"No," she replies. "I think I'll just sit right here and wait for the police to arrive!"

***

"Now then Mrs. Cox, tell us what it's like being married to an archeologist?"

"Oh, it's marvellous. The older I become, the more interest he shows in me!"

***

Staff at our editorial office are working around the clock. Now everyone can see when it's time to go home.

***

Sherlock Holmesnight skySherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson have pitched a tent while on a camping expedition. In the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson to question him.

HOLMES: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce."

WATSON: "I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like the Earth, and if there are a few planets like the Earth out there, then there might also be life, and if ..."

HOLMES: "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent."

***

A father-to-be gets into a panic when his wife suddenly goes into labor. He calls up the local hospital and appeals for immediate help: "Er ... this is an emergency ... we need an ambulance right away ... the contractions keep coming every two minutes!"

"Is this her first child?" enquires the nurse.

"No, it's her husband, you idiot!"

***

"So what's it like to be kissed by a vampire?"

"A pain in the neck!"

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An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. He asked the waiter: "What is that you just served?"

bullfightThe waiter replied: "Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A true delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said: "What the hell, I am on vacation. Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied: "I am-a-sorry, señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save for you this remarkable delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said: "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied: "Si señor. Sometimes the bull wins, you know."

***

"Is there anything on four legs the Chinese won't eat?"

"The dinner table!"

***

English traffic cop to a drink-driving suspect: "Excuse me, sir. Is this vehicle licensed?"

"Certainly is, officer. What are you having?"

***

TV commercialsick manYou simply won't get better...

"For headaches, feverishness, sore throats and other symptoms of colds or flu, absolutely nothing acts faster than Panadin Plus!"

 

"Absolutely nothing does it for me!"

 

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"Do you know that last year I picked up this exceedingly rare tropical disease?"

"You mean like the chikungunya virus?"

"No ... it was frostbite."

***

"Do you own a pocket calculator?"

"No, never really needed one. Always known how many pockets I have."

***

Two women sitting in the same compartment of an older train were locked in a heated argument over the window. One of them wanted it up and the other wanted it down. In the end the conductor was called in to settle the dispute.

male commuterSaid one: "If the window is up, I won't be able to breathe. I'll suffocate."

Said the other: "If the window is down, I'll catch my death of cold."

Understandably, the conductor was perplexed.

"Well now, I think the pair of them should be willing to compromise," suggested a helpful businessman who had been forced to spend the entire journey standing up. "Why don't we first have the window up and suffocate No. 1, and then have it down to kill off No. 2? After that perhaps we'll all be able to get some peace and quiet!"

***

A middle-aged couple are having another heated argument. Says she: "I was a fool when I married you!"

"I know," says he, "but I was blindly in love and never really noticed!"

***

Colonel Sanders was no different to your typical average male. All he could think about was legs, breasts and thighs.

***

troublemakersA truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, a cup of coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. The three bikers came swaggering in, seemingly bored with life and just looking for trouble. One of them grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger out of his hand and took a huge bite from it, the second one took a swig of the trucker's coffee, and the third one wolfed down his apple pie.

The patient truck driver didn't say a word, merely got up, paid the cashier and left.

As soon as he was gone, the bikers started to snicker to one another and congratulated each other on just how "bad" they'd all been. When the waiter finally walked up to them, one of the bikers growled, "He sure wasn't much of a man now was he?"

"He isn't much of a driver either," the waiter replied. "He's just backed his 18-wheeler over three Harley-Davidsons!"

***

amorous coupleA young woman is beginning to doubt her boyfriend's sincerity:

"Jason, there are times when I think you only want me for my body!"

"Now don't be silly, Daphne. You know I've always seen you as a whole."

"Now I'm really offended!"

 

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If your nose runs and your feet smell, then you must have been born upside down.

***

husband holding surveydisagreeing wifeA husband, wishing to prove to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, while women use 30,000.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they end up having to repeat everything they say.

"What?" he replied.

***

America is a country that will cross the ocean to fight for democracy ... but won't cross the street to vote.

***

tongue sandwichSign seen outside a popular delicatessen:

"Our tasty tongue sandwiches speak for themselves!"

***

Reassuring words outside a Hong Kong restaurant:

"The water used in all of our soups has been passed by the chef personally."

***

irate manager 

Sign on a café wall:

"If you think our waitresses are rude, you should see the manager!"

***

An ageing senior executive is making small talk with his 21-year-old girlfriend:

"Tricia, my dear, what on earth can a beautiful young girl like you possibly see in an old fuddy-duddy like me?"

"Oh George, don't be silly now. You know I love your company! Er ... it is still making money, isn't it?"

***

sleepwalker 

I had the weirdest of dreams last night ... I dreamed I was awake.

And guess what? When I woke up ... I WAS!

 

Discover the joys of sleepwalking...

Get yourselves a good night's rest and some much-needed exercise at the same time!

 

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