NHK — the way it should be
(This article, which first appeared in the
Japan Times of June 25, 2005,
is reproduced in Eyes on Japan by kind permission of the
author.)
This year has not been kind to national broadcaster
NHK, as a series of scandals have caused hundreds of thousands of households
to withhold their service payments, from which NHK draws 97 percent of its
income.
Fortunately, I can help.
Now, the only show I ever watch on NHK is the 7
o'clock evening news, so that is where I must aim most of my suggestions.
Yet I feel confident that the entire company will benefit from the modest
measures below. The funny thing is that under my plan NHK need not alter the
way it operates . . . so much. It only has to apply a few subtle twists.
First, have you ever noticed NHK is fond of dropping
in program notes as news items? Like, "Hey folks! Here's the
just-announced lineup for this year's Kohaku Song Fest!" Or,
"The leading actors for our next historical drama are as follows!"
NHK does this with such happy fervor that it must be
puzzled when news shows on other networks fail to cover NHK programming. Or
more so when such shows even fail to hype their own programs.
Yet, no matter. I think NHK should do MORE of this.
The trick is not to stop with schedule highlights, but to announce ALL shows
as news. For example, here is how to plug one of NHK's pervasive nature
programs . . .
The announcer breaks from a story on some terrible
disaster, faces a different camera and segues into: "Next . . .
Butterflies copulate in midair. It's true. Scientists have suspected this
for years, but now have pictures to prove it. Tune in to NHK at 8 o'clock
tonight for close-up coverage of 'Butterflies — A Lot Freer Than You Ever
Imagined.' "
Now that, I believe, would get viewers' attention.
Next, NHK — and other networks — will sometimes
air darkened interviews with news sources wishing to remain anonymous. The
voices of these sources are then electronically distorted, although I have
heard rumors that NHK is blessed to have one guy who speaks like a frog
naturally, and they use him for dubbing instead.
If so, this man's talent is going to waste. For I
think all NHK announcers should murmur like frogs. It would give news
programs a secretive flair and make viewers hang on every word, as if they
were having the news gossiped to them. And gossip, as we know, is
irresistible. Pair this with program notes, and WOW!
Next, most viewers must notice that virtually all of
NHK's 7 o'clock news announcers and reporters are male. Oops. Check that. I
forgot the pretty-and-prim weather girls. Which leads to this idea . . .
Why not switch things around? Make the announcers
and reporters female, and let's have guys do the weather. If that somehow
seems unnatural, we could put the men in skirts and lipstick. The idea, you
see, is to have people watch, and I bet that would do it.
At my house we almost never push that bilingual
button that cuts in with an English override of the news. Yet my next idea
would make use of that.
Ever see an electronic keyboard with different
rhythm selections? Set the dial and — presto! — you can have whatever
rhythm you want: rock, euro-beat, country-western, you name it.
So why not apply this to the news? Press the button
once, and the announcer raps the headlines. Press it twice, and he's
twanging like Willie Nelson. Again and he wails the blues. C'mon, this is
Japan, the Mecca of electronic innovation. I am sure Sony or Matsushita
could figure this out. Let's have viewers choose how they want their news
delivered.
One trouble with NHK news is there is not much to
it. Basically this is a boon, for no matter what recent statistics say about
rising violence, Japan remains a relatively safe nation, and the fewer
reports about stabbings, kidnappings and body-packed suitcases the better.
Yet NHK could certainly fill its prime news hour
with items more newsworthy than, say, the results of NHK surveys. Or whether
or not stumblebum sumo nerd Takamisakari won his match today. After all,
it's a big world with a fair amount of activity.
Yet perhaps the recent scandals are a step in the
right direction. I mean, if you cannot find enough news to report, the least
you can do is to go out and make some.
In this case, NHK should be commended. Unfortunately
financial scandals are not the most exciting fare, so I suggest that next
time they aim for something racier. A slugfest between board directors might
be good. Or maybe some sexy affair between announcers and weather girls. Or
how about a sexy affair that ends in a slugfest? I'd tune in. Wouldn't you?
The reason for all these suggestions is to make
people so eager to watch that they will readily pay their service charges.
Yet I have another money-making idea that might be more effective than
sending NHK solicitors to knock on doors.
Almost every Japanese train station of decent size
has someone strumming a guitar late at night, hoping passersby will pitch
him coins. Let's try the same approach with broadcasting.
Put young announcers at the station and have them
stand on boxes and shout out the day's happenings. If they're colorful —
and the news is good — I feel certain the throngs of commuters will kick
in a little yen. Of course, if the news is bad, I would hate to be the
messenger.
Perhaps what NHK needs most is a snazzier acronym.
And that means a whole new name. "Nippon Hoso Kyokai" is not very
grabbing.
So I suggest "Broadcast Station —
JAPAN!"
So what if that makes NHK's Broadcast Satellite
acronym a bit repetitive? Sometimes the point just comes across better when
you lay it on thick. My motto in a nutshell.
©Thomas Dillon for the Japan Times 2005. All rights
reserved
Editor's note: Sincere thanks to the author for
his kind permission to republish the above article, which first appeared
in his regular Japan Times column "When East Marries
West".
This page last updated 2008-06-16
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